We managed to have a shouting match in response to “Shouting Match”. Oh, that wasn’t the goal?
“Wilson: did you read the essay? Did you catch that temperance thing I mentioned? How about just a response to the essay and my cue?
While I hope that you feel better now, this blog is for a conversation about what we read and how we write and what gets us there. I think it's hard enough for some of us to do this kind of work without being told how dishonest and pointless we all are being. I see that you want folks to resent you, as you ask for it here out loud, but I'm not going to let that be the focus of the blog that I created.
I would excuse you from doing the work on this blog, but it's a requirement-however, I respect your privacy and will not force you to be more personal than you feel comfortable being, nor do I expect you to feel any of the ways your peers do, nor do I expect you to hold your tongue about what you DO experience. I will ask you, however, to allow the others the same without mockery or condemnation.
Unlike you, I hope that my response did NOT build resentment, but was the appropriate response to my student on a class forum. I like you, really. But you asked for it.
Oh, and that was honest. You're believing that or disbelieving that will not change it's intent (WritingOutLoud)”.
Now that we’ve held cyber hands and become facebook friends can someone give me a reason that my post this week wasn’t my best? I’ve seen your eyes on campus and how they’ve changed from then till now. I saw the questions and the trepidation and frustration and anger, but now I see something more like familiarity. Maybe the second could have happened without the first, maybe it couldn’t have. I do know this: I know that rich emotion, regardless of comfort, is the greatest catalyst of intimacy.
And if you disagree, then you can suck it (“Suck it” is being typed in a friendly laughing sort of way), because you’re not my favorite. I know you’re not my favorite because my favorite said, “i'm in a little bit in love with you. not in an illicit way, more of in a my-boyfriend-knows-this kind of way. i look forward to the things you write because you're not afraid of being two people at once-- both inherently bad and necessarily good” (Anonymous Girl Who You Probably Assume Does Not Actually Exist)
Anyway, at that moment I meant what I said. But if you trust me. If you think that I’ve meant all the things I’ve said, then you know I love you.
We managed to have a shouting match in response to “Shouting Match”. Oh, that wasn’t the goal?
“Wilson: did you read the essay? Did you catch that temperance thing I mentioned? How about just a response to the essay and my cue?
While I hope that you feel better now, this blog is for a conversation about what we read and how we write and what gets us there. I think it's hard enough for some of us to do this kind of work without being told how dishonest and pointless we all are being. I see that you want folks to resent you, as you ask for it here out loud, but I'm not going to let that be the focus of the blog that I created.
I would excuse you from doing the work on this blog, but it's a requirement-however, I respect your privacy and will not force you to be more personal than you feel comfortable being, nor do I expect you to feel any of the ways your peers do, nor do I expect you to hold your tongue about what you DO experience. I will ask you, however, to allow the others the same without mockery or condemnation.
Unlike you, I hope that my response did NOT build resentment, but was the appropriate response to my student on a class forum. I like you, really. But you asked for it.
Oh, and that was honest. You're believing that or disbelieving that will not change it's intent (WritingOutLoud)”.
Now that we’ve held cyber hands and become facebook friends can someone give me a reason that my post this week wasn’t my best? I’ve seen your eyes on campus and how they’ve changed from then till now. I saw the questions and the trepidation and frustration and anger, but now I see something more like familiarity. Maybe the second could have happened without the first, maybe it couldn’t have. I do know this: I know that rich emotion, regardless of comfort, is the greatest catalyst of intimacy.
And if you disagree, then you can suck it (“Suck it” is being typed in a friendly laughing sort of way), because you’re not my favorite. I know you’re not my favorite because my favorite said, “i'm in a little bit in love with you. not in an illicit way, more of in a my-boyfriend-knows-this kind of way. i look forward to the things you write because you're not afraid of being two people at once-- both inherently bad and necessarily good” (Anonymous Girl Who You Probably Assume Does Not Actually Exist)
Anyway, at that moment I meant what I said. But if you trust me. If you think that I’ve meant all the things I’ve said, then you know that I love you.
Oh my gosh, not THIS blog. Such a learning experience, and such a reality check. Ali took me to town here, and thank God for it, because it meant I had to decide what it meant to me to be honest—was it bullshit that I should be laying down for, or was it something real to stand up and defend? I was pissed that she had put me in that position, but at the same time, I admired her for being the kind of writer—and person—that could do so. I like your spunk, Ali. I like it one hundred times more when it’s directed towards other people. I have to learn to laugh at both, and you taught me something invaluable in that moment. In case I never said it properly—thank you. In many ways, you were right.
And then there was Robert again, soothing me for what I’d thought about his last response. This is about the time where I decided I liked Robert (and also Robert’s beard, which was yet to happen, but can you all tell it’s getting a little late in the night now? I’m getting kind of loose-tongued.) Funny enough, this is also when I decided I liked Wilson. I think I’m a ditch digger, too, and maybe that’s the problem for me: I have to be either overwhelmingly positive or the 8th grade suicide version of myself. And then sweet Kristina, of course, telling me that it would all be okay—and I believe her, because she’s sweet Kristina.
Here’s the importance of this particular blog entry, though: it established for me the dynamics of this class. I started to see who stood on the borders, who gave a shit and who didn’t—and it was only important because it meant I could start saying things that mattered, things that revealed not just my sadness but my anger and my divinity and my lust and my want. These were the things I’d been holding back, and I got my cards called to the table on it. In the class, for me, this was the moment of deciding to pull back or push forward. I decided I’d come too far to turn around. 12:54.
Oh how the title of this was foreshadow and we didn't even know. It really did turn into a shooting match huh?
But this was the turning point for our class. Where the gloves came off. To steal "The Real World's" tag line..."When people stop being polite and start being real."
Four months later I kinda regret not jumping in on it, because even though I wrote about something unrelated to all of the debate, I definitely had an opinion.
No offense to anyone else...but what I really wanted to write on this post was TEAM JOSIE. Why? Because she was accused of being close-minded and she wasn't at all. To me, being close minded is when you won't hear another's side. Not when you have different opinions. I never felt that Josie wouldn't listen to someone else's opinion. I felt just the opposite.
Then came Wilson. And I was like, "Oh no he didn't!" *snaps fingers in a 'Z'formation
But I wasn't angry at him, or annoyed. I agreed with parts and I was indifferent at parts, but never angry. That's something else I should have voiced I guess. (Not that you need any reinforcements, Wilson)
This blog was entertaining for sure. I almost made popcorn. But after reading this whole "shootout" I must say that it was the first poster, Trillium, who said something we should all chew on: "People are more important than ideology"
I reread this blog, awwwwwkwaaard. So I’m going to get in and out of here as quickly as possible since I’m one of those “avoid confrontation at all cost” kind of people, and because I’m about to put a large, bright light on Wilson Sims....just as everything gets really quiet.
Wilson, deep down I love you, but man did I want to hide under the table while re-reading your post….I guess that “x-girlfriend” blog really did work to make me forget, because I had forgotten all about…it.**
**it: awkward statements referring to “due dates.”, terrified that Wilson wants me to dig a ditch to bury myself in, the fact that Wilson called me out as a liar, thinking he won’t be in class following this blog, Wilson just bared is soul, and I can’t look away.
I’m only bringing this up because I learned a lot from you in this one blog. Not that you’re a ranting sort of person, or that you made me feel awkward (congratulations), or that you used excellent imagery and metaphors, but because you were, well, you. And not “writer” you, or “fluffy” you, or “funny” you, but for a moment, you were “what I want and need to say” you.
And after reading, I wanted to be “what I want and need to say” me. You see, I’m too worried about what others will think of things I’ve written. I care too much about the “consequences” of my writings, which are really just things like, “if you write this….they will know exactly what you’re thinking. If you write this, they’ll see you, and you can’t hide behind fictional characters this time. If you write this, they’ll see you….”
I learned that life is a shooting match, and I can’t win hiding behind a barrel or Clint Eastwood, I have to put myself out there, and shoot, and not with my eyes closed or with my hands shaking. If I’m going to write, I have to be brave. If I’m going to write, I need to remember the person who’s doing to writing. If I’m going to write, I have to be ready to sacrifice my comfortable box. If I’m going to write, I have to write a little more like Wilson and a little less like the nervous girl who doesn’t want to offend anyone, ever.
I remember this blog all too well. It was probably the most relatable one that we did. This was one of my favorite stories by Almond because I knew exactly where he was coming from. Even now I can feel that little feeling in my gut. The one that won’t let you be alone. The one that stays there when you have stood up for something that you believe in and at the end of the day wish you had just kept your big mouth shut. I think for me experience like this stick with me so much because I am a shy person. I hate when I feel like I have hurt someone but so much of me wants to just get over that and say whatever comes into my head. I hate confrontation that hasn’t changed this semester, and so yes I still feel the same way I did when I wrote this response back in October. What I have learned from some of you is that is just fine to put some opinions out there for people and not care if they like it or not. I think I learned this from the class as a whole and through classmate’s writings.
I hate to say it, but this blog was not at all about the class for me. It was both the least impersonal I had been and the most personal that others were. I felt like I had just casually been getting to know someone, had plenty ‘do I like you’, ‘do I not like you’ moments. And then they turned out a Negative Nancy axe murderer who doesn’t believe in human integrity. But all that is passed us. To be honest, I lost interest with the drama. I felt like Wilson was testing us all and I didn’t like it. I could say it was just where I was at the time, but I didn’t take what he said personally at all. I was defensive because I felt like the whole thing had become judgment when none was needed. So what if this was the least I had worked all semester. What I mean is, it didn’t matter that he was right (about me at least), it was that evolved into us against him and it felt like it was intentional and elitist.
All that to say, I can now appreciate the rant for what it was. And because it did redistribute the class hierarchy (i.e. it worked), I don’t think I totally forgave him for what he said.
I guess I was already in give up and die mode by this point in the semester. This was the only post I asked my ex to read, because,… I don’t know. He was my Tyler. And I was fucking up his future with my warrants explaining why we were so right. My mouth, the pistol. My “loyalty”, the slow trickle of coffee-ground blood I never noticed, though it stained my hands and everything I lived for. My God – what have we become? Needless to say he felt nothing for what I had written (apparently he and Wilson have something in common). I should not have been surprised when just over a month later we were through. In a crowded strip mall parking lot with the windows up and the heat on, I drew my pistol for the last time. “Why don’t you like me anymore?” Surrender or I’ll shoot. “I don’t know.” Point blank range. Seven years.
I didn’t mean to wound anyone. And I don’t think that I did, any of you at least. I’m not despondent over that, so don’t think that I am, but wouldn’t it have been grand it we had all let ourselves be wounded more often? Broken by the truth in another’s story, or interpretation clouded by cataracts of betrayal and unworthiness? If I had wounded you I would have at least accomplished something. But best of all I think is what Josh said – the hopeful half of a gun slinging. At least for me, when I slung my fatal shot, I freed myself from so much – more than I care to admit. Even in death, then, Josh. I agree. The risks are worth it, “because the best shooting matches save lives.”
The analogy of pens and guns. A battle, a war we are fighting with each other. Blogging. Who's perspective will win out? Tune in next week to see how far into a hole I can get myself...until I realize I am so very far from the point of the whole thing, that I have missed the target I started with. Is that a bad thing though? I re-read my post...I was MEAN! Why was I so mean? Why was that so easy and quick for me to write, to point out others flaws and stand tall as the Democrat defending the Republican bashing account of Steve Almond? Shouldn't I have learned that he regretted it, I would regret it too? I made the first shot in the argument, held my gun high and shot off in front of the whole class, like a proud villain, shooting down the main character that everyone loves. And then as the hurt hero lies on the ground looking for reason, considering their options, plotting a way out, I was waving my gun for all to see. And the blog, the blog is the moment that the downed hero discovered just one more ounce of strength to reach for the gun and pull the trigger, taking their final shot at me, bringing me down to their level, weak and without any strength, with all their humanity spewed across the floor. And then we both roll over and die of blood loss and a broken heart, because the cause was lost and the shots won out. And it had to be this way because it’s the only way to learn for yourself, for myself, that Steve Almond was right. It’s not about the shooting match, it’s about using your guns wisely, so that you and your cause are still alive in the end.
I think this was the blog when we were faced with the decision; were we going to be just another class, or were we going to be a group of explorers, fearlessly exploring our natures and our writing? Personal stories were shared, connections were made, and mean things were said. I think, in many ways, we had a shootout, and we lived to tell about it. Someone (I think it was Courtney?) mentioned that those who she disagrees with are some of her best friends because they can disagree and learn from each other. I kind of have a similar philosophy as far as who I'm closest to is concerned - if I have talked with you, had a beer with you, or see you everyday on campus, or even have gone out to dinner with you, that means something; but if I have cooked for you, shared my homebrew with you, cried in front of you, or fought (and I mean REALLY fought) with you, then you are a friend who is only slightly removed from family. Because one of the ways we show ourselves the most is how we fight, and how we handle each other after a fight. If I can have a knock-down, drag-out, "I'm not talking to you again until you admit that you're wrong" screaming match with someone, and 7 months later wind up hiding in the bathroom, telling him things I've never articulated to another soul, then I know that what he said is true "we're going to fight, and we may have more screaming matches, but we'll always end up right back here, cause we're practically family, and that's what we do." On some level, I think that's what happened on this blog. Ali finally let something real slip, and others followed suit. What she said WAS mean, but, maybe its very meanness was what brought us all out. As she said "what the heck are you waiting for?" I think we all rose to that challenge admirably.
I reread everyone's posts and it just weirded me out. Is this the same class we have now? In response to people's responses about this chapter I believed everyone was too focused on the whole Republican or Democrat dichotomy. I didn’t like the chapter because I hate the ugliness of politics. I hate ugliness in sports. And I hate ugliness towards other. I mentioned in class that this class helped me not hate people as much as I thought, but I think that’s wrong. I think this class helped not assume things about people by small actions. It makes me sick to my stomach when people pick sides so incredibly strongly that the only thing they can say about their opponents are ugly words. I feel like it’s okay to disagree, and it’s okay to have an opinion, but to try to tear someone apart because of it is unnecessary. But I’m really off the topic. Or maybe I’m not. I just now I’m not getting good vibes anymore so I want to be done with this post.
I don't know what anyone is talking about! This whole week-long situation was hilarious to me (in a dark, Coen Brothers kind of way)! I'm sitting here laughing. I like chaos.
So as I read all of your posts, I remember why Wilson's blog really did make me angry. I didn't value his warrant, what I perceived as his arrogance. Someone above me, I can't find it now, said that Wilson was testing us. I didn't need or want that test. His anger exploding on the page. His words raging out his truths.
I wasn't angry for myself (because I struggle to get angry at people for things they do to me, I'm quite the doormat) but because I wasn't sure what kind of damage he was doing to the people around me. We spent weeks learning to open up, and people in class voiced their timidity fears about their writing, and I hoped that he hadn't injured them. And boy did I want to fire back. But I didn't, and Wilson would probably be ashamed of me. He shot across the bow, and I turned around and walked away.
I've seen too many shooting matches to find them novel. I've been too wounded to enjoy the pain, so when it comes out as a joke, as a way to mold the feelings of others, I just turn around and walk away.
I almost brought this quote to class the day after Wilson's rant, but I'll post it here instead: "What does that indignity amount to, weighed, I mean, in the scales of the New Testament? Do you think the archangel Gabriel thinks anything the less of me, because I promptly and respectfully obey that old hunks in that particular instance? Who ain't a slave? Tell me that. Well, then, however the old sea-captains may order me about- however they may thump and punch me about, I have the satisfaction of knowing that it is all right; that everybody else is one way or other served in much the same way- either in a physical or metaphysical point of view, that is; and so the universal thump is passed round, and all hands should rub each other's shoulder-blades, and be content."
I can ignore the indignities, as long as I can comfort my fellow slaves.
I'm going to start this with a quote that really put this situation of "letting your warrants take you too far or not far enough" in perspective. Mr. Frank Walters said "We’re all old enough, some more experienced than others, to have figured out that life isn’t linear and that actions have consequences we can’t predict."
Do we all have the same perspective when it comes to certain issues? Definitely not. Are some things worth the consequences rather than others. Example: Dr. PD's line of going too far or staying on the safe side might be way past mine. No one will ever fully agree on this. To me, I think Tyler, that one disappointed student, was worth losing in order to get his point across regarding BC.
In this blog we were even tested. Some were angry, but I was thankful for Wilson's post. I had hoped people would begin to move their "line" forward and get out of that comfort zone that is well, oh so comfortable.
I looked back at this post and thought, damn, that was fun. I, like Robert, have always been a fan of chaos and drama. What else would I have to talk about? Being the extreme gossip I am, I told my roommates every detail of what went on during that fateful blog posting event with the joy of a little school girl. Weird, they didn't seem to find it as deliciously scandalous as I did. Must just be an English major thing.
In all seriousness, I am not sure I agree with what I originally posted. Up until recently I had never been in a situation like the one Steve talks about in his Demagogue Days (not really at least). But now, I get it. Totally and completely.
I am put in a situation where I know my principles and my rights as a student are being fucked with by someone a teacher/adviser that I have trusted in the past, and I have to power to do something about it. I have received a lot of advice about it. "Don't do it." "Suck it up, write the 10 page paper and take your A" "You'll know that deep down you earned it and it wasn't handed to you like it was for everyone else"
Well, I'm not going to. I am gonna start the shoot-out. For the first time ever in my life, I am not just going to bitch about how unfair the situation is. I am going (metaphorical) balls to the wall.
The Tylers in this situation are my fellow classmates who are willing to accept a grade they didn't earn. I don't really feel bad for that. Love them to death, but...sorry.
This whole Shooting Match blog dilemma totally confirmed my perception of when I first saw Wilson in Dr. T's class last Spring semester- something about him always made me think of John Mayer (maybe the way he looks, acts or both). I related the whole cowboy and Indians blog to a recent John Mayer situation in which John offended a whole bunch of people and then publicly apologized and during one of his shows semi-broke down on stage in remorse. (I realize that these scenarios aren't 100% parallel, but once again, I think of John Mayer when I see Wilson so that's how I related everything).
Gunning people down with words is less physically painful than getting actually gunned down with bullets (because they're bullets), but our words can get lodged in each others hearts too, and leave their mark. I'm relatively selfish with my writing and care most about whether I like it or not, but I understand that I should still aim to fire off a couple rounds when the time calls for it. I need to get out of the little-brother mentality that my older brother has guided me into, and carry the torch that some of the rest of you carry- "read it and weep. bang."
"FEAR is that nasty little piercing feeling that occurs so deep down inside of me that it begins to stifle every attempt for me to speak my mind. I am an observer. I may be quiet and you make think I’m not listening to you but believe me I am. It is just the fear inside of me that holds me back from saying the things that I really want to and will convey to my friends and those I feel comfortable with later"-Rebecca.
I have to thank Trillium for shedding a little light on this re blogging. I was at a loss for words regarding my thoughts after the fact. WTF were we talking about four months ago? I realized (after Trillium's response)that it's all about being true to yourself or bowing down to the rules and regulations assignments set for you. I can't lie guys, I am definitely going to bow down- I was born to be a rule follower, sad, but true.
Granted, grades are just grades and I'm never going to remember what I made on Paper X in Class Z but at least I know I did my best. Or my best within the guidelines...
Haha, this was my first drunk-blog. It uh...didn't go all that well, but I think it was overshadowed by what I like to call Wilson-Gate. Thanks for covering up my drunkenness.
This blog actually kind of disillusioned me. It still does, really, since it happened over the internet, and people are so different when behind their impregnable computer-screen defenses. When I finally went back and re-read everything that had happened, I pretty much just kinda laughed because we were fighting over the internet. It never actually occurred to me that shit got real, and had real-world implications.
Anyway, I still don't think that I've had the kind of experience where I've had to "take a stand" or anything, at least not on the kind of level where it's between betraying what I truly believe or fighting for said beliefs. I'd like to think that when such a time arises, I'd have the courage to whip out the guns, but the sense to not start shooting anything that moves.
But those sort of situations rarely go the way you want them to.
“Fight for others and your never wrong. Feed into your own anger and things are burned down and never rebuilt. Argue for your ideals, disagree civilly with decisions, if asked don't lie. The other side isn't your enemy every time your pissed off.” Nick Brown is no longer in this class anymore, but I don’t think that means that I didn’t learn from him. In my original post I talked about how I made my best friends Tylers because I thought that some of their friends were bad friends to them. I wish that I would have read this pre-freshman year of high school. I wish that I realized that it wasn’t my fight and that I was being a bad friend by putting my Tylers in the middle. “The other side isn’t your enemy every time you’re pissed off.” Frigging brilliant.
And then there’s Courtney, “So does it matter at all who wins? IS there a winner? It's nice after a debate, to walk away with a sense of accomplishment. That lasts about a minute. Then you see the look on a friend's face, or your child's face, or a potential student's face. And you question what could have possibly been more important than these people?” who rubbed it in (in a good way, I promise!) even more. What kind of friend was I? Who puts their best friends in awkward situations? Why did I feel the need for it to be a me vs. them situation? Why did I assume that I was the good guy?
The Top Gun this week would have to be Josh. That post was so real and full of ammunition that I felt a part of the moment. It was so strong I could smell the gun powder. Okay, enough with the gun references, but that was some powerful stuff. I can totally relate to the feeling of being seen as a doormat for most of my life. I have to give my father the credit for that trait. He has always been “the nice guy”. I always found it easier to be the passive one in situations with friends and even family sometime. It is usually easier to just let it go. How long can you take that though? We all reach that point where we have to get real and stand up for something. I guess the irony is in the fact of when you choose to take that first shot. “I don’t bust back, because I shoot first” –Lil Wayne I think this verse is very meaningful and powerful. I am sure Lil Wayne meant it in the literal sense, but I am going to go with a deeper meaning. I think this is telling us, don’t wait for someone else to jump start things, but you get out there and stand up for what you believe in. Be the first to do/say/write something. It could turn out to be something amazing and it could lead you to find out things you didn’t even know you had in you.
I must say that this was the most interesting blog. I found Wilson's post to be honest and a bit refreshing. Honestly, I kind of agreed with him. At the time, I wasn't to fond of some of the people in the class because the massive load of BS they produced through there blogs and in class. I say this because of some of the things I heard outside of the class about the class. Simply a lot of people weren't being honest across the board. I too, like Wilson, didn't like to blog because sometimes I would find myself making myself do it instead of wanting to do it... no enjoyment in it. Now, I wouldn't have said it the way Wilson put it, but I was glad somebody did. I am not trying to start up another disagreement,I'm just being honest about the situation that took place. Yes, we all have a right to say what we want and should be comfortable enough to do so, but at least be honest about it! I believe that even though what and how Wilson said what he said might have been hard for some people to swallow, there was a big turn around in some people because of it. In a sense, he was like Almond for standing up for what he believed in for just a moment.
Did not like this post, to be completely honest. While I did enjoy the fact that the shootout went with the original post, I’m not really a conflict lover. So did not care or like this. Which was weird since the whole warrants idea was in my comfort zone and resembled more of the academic setting that is fun for me (my nerd status was cemented long before I got my first pair of glasses).
But the chaos fleshed out the academic idea for me. It made real what I could have analyzed and given literary precedence for. Guns were actually ablazin’ and people were taking cover. Which was kind of cool, and it made me think about not just writing but everyday living. Life, some people call it. My warrants for my choices, decisions, emotions.
Honestly, now that time has passed, I feel better about this post and think I actually did learn something about myself from this. The fact that I would never see my warrants as important enough to violently blog about. And I had to ask myself why. Which sparked an interesting internal dialogue. And to me, that’s why I am an English major. To find out who I am, to one day read something I wrote and better know me.
I had no idea what was going on during this post, and I didn't realize the drama until I showed up to class. My first thought was "Who cares what happens on the blog?", and I know now that was the problem. Some people just didn't care, and they may still not, and the others just wanted something real to hold on to. I'm afraid, though, that I just don't have much to say on this blog. I can't really fault the people who may not bare their souls for everyone, because it is such a personal thing to do. You can't fault someone for being hesitant, and calling people on their bullshit just does not work for everyone. And I can't find it in me to agree with those who were trying to get something real out of the class. It's going to happen, or it's not, and sitting atop an ivory tower and judging is just going to make you look like a prick. Yes, this blog can be seen as the turning point of the semester, but don't give it so much credit. It was a wheel already in motion, and all this did was oil it up a bit.
Martha Lee Anne, thank you for saying this... "I learned that life is a shooting match, and I can’t win hiding behind a barrel or Clint Eastwood, I have to put myself out there, and shoot, and not with my eyes closed or with my hands shaking. If I’m going to write, I have to be brave. If I’m going to write, I need to remember the person who’s doing to writing. If I’m going to write, I have to be ready to sacrifice my comfortable box. If I’m going to write, I have to write a little more like Wilson and a little less like the nervous girl who doesn’t want to offend anyone, ever."
Because going back and reading this particular blog...I don't feel strong enough. Somehow a part of me has come full circle, and I have learned to speak my mind...at least I see myself exercising this more in my personal life. I'd like to say I know when to stand up for myself, but the lines are still so blurry for me. Like I said back then. Life is messy. That's it. It's almost strange to me looking back to think I was Tyler. I'm never that person, but I was here. I guess all I can say is I'm glad there weren't the kind of losses there could have been...in fact, I look back upon this as a gain. I don't think Dr. PD and I would have really been friends without this. Like Wilson just said, "I know that rich emotion, regardless of comfort, is the greatest catalyst of intimacy." I mean...it's true.
It's still so close and it's still so personal. There were so many factors on the other side of my computer screen that led to the things I said back then. I hope that is what we really all learned from this...is that we are all so much more than just what we say on here. Hate me. Love me. People are always more alike than you think.
We managed to have a shouting match in response to “Shouting Match”. Oh, that wasn’t the goal?
ReplyDelete“Wilson: did you read the essay? Did you catch that temperance thing I mentioned? How about just a response to the essay and my cue?
While I hope that you feel better now, this blog is for a conversation about what we read and how we write and what gets us there. I think it's hard enough for some of us to do this kind of work without being told how dishonest and pointless we all are being. I see that you want folks to resent you, as you ask for it here out loud, but I'm not going to let that be the focus of the blog that I created.
I would excuse you from doing the work on this blog, but it's a requirement-however, I respect your privacy and will not force you to be more personal than you feel comfortable being, nor do I expect you to feel any of the ways your peers do, nor do I expect you to hold your tongue about what you DO experience. I will ask you, however, to allow the others the same without mockery or condemnation.
Unlike you, I hope that my response did NOT build resentment, but was the appropriate response to my student on a class forum. I like you, really. But you asked for it.
Oh, and that was honest. You're believing that or disbelieving that will not change it's intent (WritingOutLoud)”.
Now that we’ve held cyber hands and become facebook friends can someone give me a reason that my post this week wasn’t my best? I’ve seen your eyes on campus and how they’ve changed from then till now. I saw the questions and the trepidation and frustration and anger, but now I see something more like familiarity. Maybe the second could have happened without the first, maybe it couldn’t have. I do know this: I know that rich emotion, regardless of comfort, is the greatest catalyst of intimacy.
And if you disagree, then you can suck it (“Suck it” is being typed in a friendly laughing sort of way), because you’re not my favorite. I know you’re not my favorite because my favorite said, “i'm in a little bit in love with you. not in an illicit way, more of in a my-boyfriend-knows-this kind of way. i look forward to the things you write because you're not afraid of being two people at once-- both inherently bad and necessarily good” (Anonymous Girl Who You Probably Assume Does Not Actually Exist)
Anyway, at that moment I meant what I said. But if you trust me. If you think that I’ve meant all the things I’ve said, then you know I love you.
We managed to have a shouting match in response to “Shouting Match”. Oh, that wasn’t the goal?
ReplyDelete“Wilson: did you read the essay? Did you catch that temperance thing I mentioned? How about just a response to the essay and my cue?
While I hope that you feel better now, this blog is for a conversation about what we read and how we write and what gets us there. I think it's hard enough for some of us to do this kind of work without being told how dishonest and pointless we all are being. I see that you want folks to resent you, as you ask for it here out loud, but I'm not going to let that be the focus of the blog that I created.
I would excuse you from doing the work on this blog, but it's a requirement-however, I respect your privacy and will not force you to be more personal than you feel comfortable being, nor do I expect you to feel any of the ways your peers do, nor do I expect you to hold your tongue about what you DO experience. I will ask you, however, to allow the others the same without mockery or condemnation.
Unlike you, I hope that my response did NOT build resentment, but was the appropriate response to my student on a class forum. I like you, really. But you asked for it.
Oh, and that was honest. You're believing that or disbelieving that will not change it's intent (WritingOutLoud)”.
Now that we’ve held cyber hands and become facebook friends can someone give me a reason that my post this week wasn’t my best? I’ve seen your eyes on campus and how they’ve changed from then till now. I saw the questions and the trepidation and frustration and anger, but now I see something more like familiarity. Maybe the second could have happened without the first, maybe it couldn’t have. I do know this: I know that rich emotion, regardless of comfort, is the greatest catalyst of intimacy.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you disagree, then you can suck it (“Suck it” is being typed in a friendly laughing sort of way), because you’re not my favorite. I know you’re not my favorite because my favorite said, “i'm in a little bit in love with you. not in an illicit way, more of in a my-boyfriend-knows-this kind of way. i look forward to the things you write because you're not afraid of being two people at once-- both inherently bad and necessarily good” (Anonymous Girl Who You Probably Assume Does Not Actually Exist)
Anyway, at that moment I meant what I said. But if you trust me. If you think that I’ve meant all the things I’ve said, then you know that I love you.
Oh my gosh, not THIS blog. Such a learning experience, and such a reality check. Ali took me to town here, and thank God for it, because it meant I had to decide what it meant to me to be honest—was it bullshit that I should be laying down for, or was it something real to stand up and defend? I was pissed that she had put me in that position, but at the same time, I admired her for being the kind of writer—and person—that could do so. I like your spunk, Ali. I like it one hundred times more when it’s directed towards other people. I have to learn to laugh at both, and you taught me something invaluable in that moment. In case I never said it properly—thank you. In many ways, you were right.
ReplyDeleteAnd then there was Robert again, soothing me for what I’d thought about his last response. This is about the time where I decided I liked Robert (and also Robert’s beard, which was yet to happen, but can you all tell it’s getting a little late in the night now? I’m getting kind of loose-tongued.) Funny enough, this is also when I decided I liked Wilson. I think I’m a ditch digger, too, and maybe that’s the problem for me: I have to be either overwhelmingly positive or the 8th grade suicide version of myself. And then sweet Kristina, of course, telling me that it would all be okay—and I believe her, because she’s sweet Kristina.
Here’s the importance of this particular blog entry, though: it established for me the dynamics of this class. I started to see who stood on the borders, who gave a shit and who didn’t—and it was only important because it meant I could start saying things that mattered, things that revealed not just my sadness but my anger and my divinity and my lust and my want. These were the things I’d been holding back, and I got my cards called to the table on it. In the class, for me, this was the moment of deciding to pull back or push forward. I decided I’d come too far to turn around. 12:54.
Oh how the title of this was foreshadow and we didn't even know. It really did turn into a shooting match huh?
ReplyDeleteBut this was the turning point for our class. Where the gloves came off. To steal "The Real World's" tag line..."When people stop being polite and start being real."
Four months later I kinda regret not jumping in on it, because even though I wrote about something unrelated to all of the debate, I definitely had an opinion.
No offense to anyone else...but what I really wanted to write on this post was TEAM JOSIE. Why? Because she was accused of being close-minded and she wasn't at all. To me, being close minded is when you won't hear another's side. Not when you have different opinions. I never felt that Josie wouldn't listen to someone else's opinion. I felt just the opposite.
Then came Wilson. And I was like, "Oh no he didn't!" *snaps fingers in a 'Z'formation
But I wasn't angry at him, or annoyed. I agreed with parts and I was indifferent at parts, but never angry. That's something else I should have voiced I guess. (Not that you need any reinforcements, Wilson)
This blog was entertaining for sure. I almost made popcorn. But after reading this whole "shootout" I must say that it was the first poster, Trillium, who said something we should all chew on: "People are more important than ideology"
Remember that before you draw your gun.
I reread this blog, awwwwwkwaaard. So I’m going to get in and out of here as quickly as possible since I’m one of those “avoid confrontation at all cost” kind of people, and because I’m about to put a large, bright light on Wilson Sims....just as everything gets really quiet.
ReplyDeleteWilson, deep down I love you, but man did I want to hide under the table while re-reading your post….I guess that “x-girlfriend” blog really did work to make me forget, because I had forgotten all about…it.**
**it: awkward statements referring to “due dates.”, terrified that Wilson wants me to dig a ditch to bury myself in, the fact that Wilson called me out as a liar, thinking he won’t be in class following this blog, Wilson just bared is soul, and I can’t look away.
I’m only bringing this up because I learned a lot from you in this one blog. Not that you’re a ranting sort of person, or that you made me feel awkward (congratulations), or that you used excellent imagery and metaphors, but because you were, well, you. And not “writer” you, or “fluffy” you, or “funny” you, but for a moment, you were “what I want and need to say” you.
And after reading, I wanted to be “what I want and need to say” me. You see, I’m too worried about what others will think of things I’ve written. I care too much about the “consequences” of my writings, which are really just things like, “if you write this….they will know exactly what you’re thinking. If you write this, they’ll see you, and you can’t hide behind fictional characters this time. If you write this, they’ll see you….”
I learned that life is a shooting match, and I can’t win hiding behind a barrel or Clint Eastwood, I have to put myself out there, and shoot, and not with my eyes closed or with my hands shaking. If I’m going to write, I have to be brave. If I’m going to write, I need to remember the person who’s doing to writing. If I’m going to write, I have to be ready to sacrifice my comfortable box. If I’m going to write, I have to write a little more like Wilson and a little less like the nervous girl who doesn’t want to offend anyone, ever.
I remember this blog all too well. It was probably the most relatable one that we did. This was one of my favorite stories by Almond because I knew exactly where he was coming from. Even now I can feel that little feeling in my gut. The one that won’t let you be alone. The one that stays there when you have stood up for something that you believe in and at the end of the day wish you had just kept your big mouth shut. I think for me experience like this stick with me so much because I am a shy person. I hate when I feel like I have hurt someone but so much of me wants to just get over that and say whatever comes into my head. I hate confrontation that hasn’t changed this semester, and so yes I still feel the same way I did when I wrote this response back in October.
ReplyDeleteWhat I have learned from some of you is that is just fine to put some opinions out there for people and not care if they like it or not. I think I learned this from the class as a whole and through classmate’s writings.
I hate to say it, but this blog was not at all about the class for me. It was both the least impersonal I had been and the most personal that others were. I felt like I had just casually been getting to know someone, had plenty ‘do I like you’, ‘do I not like you’ moments. And then they turned out a Negative Nancy axe murderer who doesn’t believe in human integrity. But all that is passed us. To be honest, I lost interest with the drama. I felt like Wilson was testing us all and I didn’t like it. I could say it was just where I was at the time, but I didn’t take what he said personally at all. I was defensive because I felt like the whole thing had become judgment when none was needed. So what if this was the least I had worked all semester. What I mean is, it didn’t matter that he was right (about me at least), it was that evolved into us against him and it felt like it was intentional and elitist.
ReplyDeleteAll that to say, I can now appreciate the rant for what it was. And because it did redistribute the class hierarchy (i.e. it worked), I don’t think I totally forgave him for what he said.
I guess I was already in give up and die mode by this point in the semester. This was the only post I asked my ex to read, because,… I don’t know. He was my Tyler. And I was fucking up his future with my warrants explaining why we were so right. My mouth, the pistol. My “loyalty”, the slow trickle of coffee-ground blood I never noticed, though it stained my hands and everything I lived for. My God – what have we become? Needless to say he felt nothing for what I had written (apparently he and Wilson have something in common). I should not have been surprised when just over a month later we were through. In a crowded strip mall parking lot with the windows up and the heat on, I drew my pistol for the last time. “Why don’t you like me anymore?” Surrender or I’ll shoot. “I don’t know.” Point blank range. Seven years.
I didn’t mean to wound anyone. And I don’t think that I did, any of you at least. I’m not despondent over that, so don’t think that I am, but wouldn’t it have been grand it we had all let ourselves be wounded more often? Broken by the truth in another’s story, or interpretation clouded by cataracts of betrayal and unworthiness? If I had wounded you I would have at least accomplished something. But best of all I think is what Josh said – the hopeful half of a gun slinging. At least for me, when I slung my fatal shot, I freed myself from so much – more than I care to admit. Even in death, then, Josh. I agree. The risks are worth it, “because the best shooting matches save lives.”
The analogy of pens and guns. A battle, a war we are fighting with each other. Blogging. Who's perspective will win out? Tune in next week to see how far into a hole I can get myself...until I realize I am so very far from the point of the whole thing, that I have missed the target I started with. Is that a bad thing though? I re-read my post...I was MEAN! Why was I so mean? Why was that so easy and quick for me to write, to point out others flaws and stand tall as the Democrat defending the Republican bashing account of Steve Almond? Shouldn't I have learned that he regretted it, I would regret it too? I made the first shot in the argument, held my gun high and shot off in front of the whole class, like a proud villain, shooting down the main character that everyone loves. And then as the hurt hero lies on the ground looking for reason, considering their options, plotting a way out, I was waving my gun for all to see. And the blog, the blog is the moment that the downed hero discovered just one more ounce of strength to reach for the gun and pull the trigger, taking their final shot at me, bringing me down to their level, weak and without any strength, with all their humanity spewed across the floor. And then we both roll over and die of blood loss and a broken heart, because the cause was lost and the shots won out. And it had to be this way because it’s the only way to learn for yourself, for myself, that Steve Almond was right. It’s not about the shooting match, it’s about using your guns wisely, so that you and your cause are still alive in the end.
ReplyDeleteI think this was the blog when we were faced with the decision; were we going to be just another class, or were we going to be a group of explorers, fearlessly exploring our natures and our writing? Personal stories were shared, connections were made, and mean things were said. I think, in many ways, we had a shootout, and we lived to tell about it. Someone (I think it was Courtney?) mentioned that those who she disagrees with are some of her best friends because they can disagree and learn from each other. I kind of have a similar philosophy as far as who I'm closest to is concerned - if I have talked with you, had a beer with you, or see you everyday on campus, or even have gone out to dinner with you, that means something; but if I have cooked for you, shared my homebrew with you, cried in front of you, or fought (and I mean REALLY fought) with you, then you are a friend who is only slightly removed from family. Because one of the ways we show ourselves the most is how we fight, and how we handle each other after a fight. If I can have a knock-down, drag-out, "I'm not talking to you again until you admit that you're wrong" screaming match with someone, and 7 months later wind up hiding in the bathroom, telling him things I've never articulated to another soul, then I know that what he said is true "we're going to fight, and we may have more screaming matches, but we'll always end up right back here, cause we're practically family, and that's what we do." On some level, I think that's what happened on this blog. Ali finally let something real slip, and others followed suit. What she said WAS mean, but, maybe its very meanness was what brought us all out. As she said "what the heck are you waiting for?" I think we all rose to that challenge admirably.
ReplyDeleteI reread everyone's posts and it just weirded me out. Is this the same class we have now? In response to people's responses about this chapter I believed everyone was too focused on the whole Republican or Democrat dichotomy. I didn’t like the chapter because I hate the ugliness of politics. I hate ugliness in sports. And I hate ugliness towards other. I mentioned in class that this class helped me not hate people as much as I thought, but I think that’s wrong. I think this class helped not assume things about people by small actions. It makes me sick to my stomach when people pick sides so incredibly strongly that the only thing they can say about their opponents are ugly words. I feel like it’s okay to disagree, and it’s okay to have an opinion, but to try to tear someone apart because of it is unnecessary. But I’m really off the topic. Or maybe I’m not. I just now I’m not getting good vibes anymore so I want to be done with this post.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what anyone is talking about! This whole week-long situation was hilarious to me (in a dark, Coen Brothers kind of way)! I'm sitting here laughing. I like chaos.
ReplyDeleteSo as I read all of your posts, I remember why Wilson's blog really did make me angry. I didn't value his warrant, what I perceived as his arrogance. Someone above me, I can't find it now, said that Wilson was testing us. I didn't need or want that test. His anger exploding on the page. His words raging out his truths.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't angry for myself (because I struggle to get angry at people for things they do to me, I'm quite the doormat) but because I wasn't sure what kind of damage he was doing to the people around me. We spent weeks learning to open up, and people in class voiced their timidity fears about their writing, and I hoped that he hadn't injured them. And boy did I want to fire back. But I didn't, and Wilson would probably be ashamed of me. He shot across the bow, and I turned around and walked away.
I've seen too many shooting matches to find them novel. I've been too wounded to enjoy the pain, so when it comes out as a joke, as a way to mold the feelings of others, I just turn around and walk away.
I almost brought this quote to class the day after Wilson's rant, but I'll post it here instead: "What does that indignity amount to, weighed, I mean, in the scales of the New Testament? Do you think the archangel Gabriel thinks anything the less of me, because I promptly and respectfully obey that old hunks in that particular instance? Who ain't a slave? Tell me that. Well, then, however the old sea-captains may order me about- however they may thump and punch me about, I have the satisfaction of knowing that it is all right; that everybody else is one way or other served in much the same way- either in a physical or metaphysical point of view, that is; and so the universal thump is passed round, and all hands should rub each other's shoulder-blades, and be content."
I can ignore the indignities, as long as I can comfort my fellow slaves.
I'm going to start this with a quote that really put this situation of "letting your warrants take you too far or not far enough" in perspective. Mr. Frank Walters said "We’re all old enough, some more experienced than others, to have figured out that life isn’t linear and that actions have consequences we can’t predict."
ReplyDeleteDo we all have the same perspective when it comes to certain issues? Definitely not. Are some things worth the consequences rather than others. Example: Dr. PD's line of going too far or staying on the safe side might be way past mine. No one will ever fully agree on this. To me, I think Tyler, that one disappointed student, was worth losing in order to get his point across regarding BC.
In this blog we were even tested. Some were angry, but I was thankful for Wilson's post. I had hoped people would begin to move their "line" forward and get out of that comfort zone that is well, oh so comfortable.
I looked back at this post and thought, damn, that was fun. I, like Robert, have always been a fan of chaos and drama. What else would I have to talk about? Being the extreme gossip I am, I told my roommates every detail of what went on during that fateful blog posting event with the joy of a little school girl. Weird, they didn't seem to find it as deliciously scandalous as I did. Must just be an English major thing.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, I am not sure I agree with what I originally posted. Up until recently I had never been in a situation like the one Steve talks about in his Demagogue Days (not really at least). But now, I get it. Totally and completely.
I am put in a situation where I know my principles and my rights as a student are being fucked with by someone a teacher/adviser that I have trusted in the past, and I have to power to do something about it. I have received a lot of advice about it. "Don't do it." "Suck it up, write the 10 page paper and take your A" "You'll know that deep down you earned it and it wasn't handed to you like it was for everyone else"
Well, I'm not going to. I am gonna start the shoot-out. For the first time ever in my life, I am not just going to bitch about how unfair the situation is. I am going (metaphorical) balls to the wall.
The Tylers in this situation are my fellow classmates who are willing to accept a grade they didn't earn. I don't really feel bad for that. Love them to death, but...sorry.
This whole Shooting Match blog dilemma totally confirmed my perception of when I first saw Wilson in Dr. T's class last Spring semester- something about him always made me think of John Mayer (maybe the way he looks, acts or both). I related the whole cowboy and Indians blog to a recent John Mayer situation in which John offended a whole bunch of people and then publicly apologized and during one of his shows semi-broke down on stage in remorse. (I realize that these scenarios aren't 100% parallel, but once again, I think of John Mayer when I see Wilson so that's how I related everything).
ReplyDeleteGunning people down with words is less physically painful than getting actually gunned down with bullets (because they're bullets), but our words can get lodged in each others hearts too, and leave their mark. I'm relatively selfish with my writing and care most about whether I like it or not, but I understand that I should still aim to fire off a couple rounds when the time calls for it. I need to get out of the little-brother mentality that my older brother has guided me into, and carry the torch that some of the rest of you carry- "read it and weep. bang."
"FEAR is that nasty little piercing feeling that occurs so deep down inside of me that it begins to stifle every attempt for me to speak my mind. I am an observer. I may be quiet and you make think I’m not listening to you but believe me I am. It is just the fear inside of me that holds me back from saying the things that I really want to and will convey to my friends and those I feel comfortable with later"-Rebecca.
ReplyDeleteI have to thank Trillium for shedding a little light on this re blogging. I was at a loss for words regarding my thoughts after the fact. WTF were we talking about four months ago? I realized (after Trillium's response)that it's all about being true to yourself or bowing down to the rules and regulations assignments set for you. I can't lie guys, I am definitely going to bow down- I was born to be a rule follower, sad, but true.
Granted, grades are just grades and I'm never going to remember what I made on Paper X in Class Z but at least I know I did my best. Or my best within the guidelines...
Haha, this was my first drunk-blog. It uh...didn't go all that well, but I think it was overshadowed by what I like to call Wilson-Gate. Thanks for covering up my drunkenness.
ReplyDeleteThis blog actually kind of disillusioned me. It still does, really, since it happened over the internet, and people are so different when behind their impregnable computer-screen defenses. When I finally went back and re-read everything that had happened, I pretty much just kinda laughed because we were fighting over the internet. It never actually occurred to me that shit got real, and had real-world implications.
Anyway, I still don't think that I've had the kind of experience where I've had to "take a stand" or anything, at least not on the kind of level where it's between betraying what I truly believe or fighting for said beliefs. I'd like to think that when such a time arises, I'd have the courage to whip out the guns, but the sense to not start shooting anything that moves.
But those sort of situations rarely go the way you want them to.
“Fight for others and your never wrong. Feed into your own anger and things are burned down and never rebuilt. Argue for your ideals, disagree civilly with decisions, if asked don't lie. The other side isn't your enemy every time your pissed off.” Nick Brown is no longer in this class anymore, but I don’t think that means that I didn’t learn from him. In my original post I talked about how I made my best friends Tylers because I thought that some of their friends were bad friends to them. I wish that I would have read this pre-freshman year of high school. I wish that I realized that it wasn’t my fight and that I was being a bad friend by putting my Tylers in the middle. “The other side isn’t your enemy every time you’re pissed off.”
ReplyDeleteFrigging brilliant.
And then there’s Courtney, “So does it matter at all who wins? IS there a winner? It's nice after a debate, to walk away with a sense of accomplishment. That lasts about a minute. Then you see the look on a friend's face, or your child's face, or a potential student's face. And you question what could have possibly been more important than these people?” who rubbed it in (in a good way, I promise!) even more. What kind of friend was I? Who puts their best friends in awkward situations? Why did I feel the need for it to be a me vs. them situation? Why did I assume that I was the good guy?
The Top Gun this week would have to be Josh. That post was so real and full of ammunition that I felt a part of the moment. It was so strong I could smell the gun powder. Okay, enough with the gun references, but that was some powerful stuff. I can totally relate to the feeling of being seen as a doormat for most of my life. I have to give my father the credit for that trait. He has always been
ReplyDelete“the nice guy”. I always found it easier to be the passive one in situations with friends and even family sometime. It is usually easier to just let it go. How long can you take that though?
We all reach that point where we have to get real and stand up for something. I guess the irony is in the fact of when you choose to take that first shot.
“I don’t bust back, because I shoot first” –Lil Wayne
I think this verse is very meaningful and powerful. I am sure Lil Wayne meant it in the literal sense, but I am going to go with a deeper meaning. I think this is telling us, don’t wait for someone else to jump start things, but you get out there and stand up for what you believe in. Be the first to do/say/write something. It could turn out to be something amazing and it could lead you to find out things you didn’t even know you had in you.
I must say that this was the most interesting blog. I found Wilson's post to be honest and a bit refreshing. Honestly, I kind of agreed with him. At the time, I wasn't to fond of some of the people in the class because the massive load of BS they produced through there blogs and in class. I say this because of some of the things I heard outside of the class about the class. Simply a lot of people weren't being honest across the board. I too, like Wilson, didn't like to blog because sometimes I would find myself making myself do it instead of wanting to do it... no enjoyment in it. Now, I wouldn't have said it the way Wilson put it, but I was glad somebody did. I am not trying to start up another disagreement,I'm just being honest about the situation that took place. Yes, we all have a right to say what we want and should be comfortable enough to do so, but at least be honest about it! I believe that even though what and how Wilson said what he said might have been hard for some people to swallow, there was a big turn around in some people because of it. In a sense, he was like Almond for standing up for what he believed in for just a moment.
ReplyDeleteDid not like this post, to be completely honest. While I did enjoy the fact that the shootout went with the original post, I’m not really a conflict lover. So did not care or like this. Which was weird since the whole warrants idea was in my comfort zone and resembled more of the academic setting that is fun for me (my nerd status was cemented long before I got my first pair of glasses).
ReplyDeleteBut the chaos fleshed out the academic idea for me. It made real what I could have analyzed and given literary precedence for. Guns were actually ablazin’ and people were taking cover. Which was kind of cool, and it made me think about not just writing but everyday living. Life, some people call it. My warrants for my choices, decisions, emotions.
Honestly, now that time has passed, I feel better about this post and think I actually did learn something about myself from this. The fact that I would never see my warrants as important enough to violently blog about. And I had to ask myself why. Which sparked an interesting internal dialogue. And to me, that’s why I am an English major. To find out who I am, to one day read something I wrote and better know me.
I had no idea what was going on during this post, and I didn't realize the drama until I showed up to class. My first thought was "Who cares what happens on the blog?", and I know now that was the problem. Some people just didn't care, and they may still not, and the others just wanted something real to hold on to. I'm afraid, though, that I just don't have much to say on this blog. I can't really fault the people who may not bare their souls for everyone, because it is such a personal thing to do. You can't fault someone for being hesitant, and calling people on their bullshit just does not work for everyone. And I can't find it in me to agree with those who were trying to get something real out of the class. It's going to happen, or it's not, and sitting atop an ivory tower and judging is just going to make you look like a prick. Yes, this blog can be seen as the turning point of the semester, but don't give it so much credit. It was a wheel already in motion, and all this did was oil it up a bit.
ReplyDeleteMartha Lee Anne, thank you for saying this...
ReplyDelete"I learned that life is a shooting match, and I can’t win hiding behind a barrel or Clint Eastwood, I have to put myself out there, and shoot, and not with my eyes closed or with my hands shaking. If I’m going to write, I have to be brave. If I’m going to write, I need to remember the person who’s doing to writing. If I’m going to write, I have to be ready to sacrifice my comfortable box. If I’m going to write, I have to write a little more like Wilson and a little less like the nervous girl who doesn’t want to offend anyone, ever."
Because going back and reading this particular blog...I don't feel strong enough. Somehow a part of me has come full circle, and I have learned to speak my mind...at least I see myself exercising this more in my personal life. I'd like to say I know when to stand up for myself, but the lines are still so blurry for me. Like I said back then. Life is messy. That's it.
It's almost strange to me looking back to think I was Tyler. I'm never that person, but I was here.
I guess all I can say is I'm glad there weren't the kind of losses there could have been...in fact, I look back upon this as a gain. I don't think Dr. PD and I would have really been friends without this. Like Wilson just said, "I know that rich emotion, regardless of comfort, is the greatest catalyst of intimacy." I mean...it's true.
It's still so close and it's still so personal. There were so many factors on the other side of my computer screen that led to the things I said back then. I hope that is what we really all learned from this...is that we are all so much more than just what we say on here.
Hate me. Love me. People are always more alike than you think.